Because Nothing Feels Better Than a Good Movement

Leftist protestors are always in need of a new reason to feel morally superior and express some righteous anger. Here’s a NoBull Cause for them. It’s a legitimate beef, too. Let me help them with some essential screaming points.


Stop the hate! Countless Neanderthals posing as Humans support breeding bovines simply for their own indulgence. You see, these murderous carnivores love to eat them and drink their milk. Of course, this is not a new screed. It has been a serious concern to PETA promoters and vegans for years. But it can also matter to millions of caring, concerned social justice warriors in need of yet another cause.

The fact is, a pandemic penchant for burgers and shakes has turned so many sub-humans into evil fascists. Protestors can call these heathens Homogenized Hitlers…Pasteurized Putins…Trump Steak Lovers…you know, something catchy and relevant.

Further, this organized oppression of our fellow mammals is sickeningly multi-faceted. Here are the details.

First, they love to kill the males and eat their body parts. And, even though these animals taste really good, who are they to give them a death sentence just because they’re delicious? That is clearly au jus appropriation.


Second, how horrendously sexist is it to murder and EAT something just because it doesn’t have breasts? That’s right. The females are spared the slaughterhouse. These evil people are gender jerks, too.

But wait! There’s more! Hateful food fascists only spare the females so they can enslave them for their own selfish desires. These innocent cows are mercilessly held captive simply because of their breasts. Many breasts, actually. This is udderly (sorry) anti-female and abusive. Seriously, can’t we dunk cookies in something else if we honestly give a damn about fairness and equality?


Here’s a plus. You can even blame corporate America and capitalism. It’s hard to fight the urge to indulge, for sure. To make things worse, Big Dairy, Kraft and Hershey are complicit in this atrocity, along with their accomplices Big Cereal, and even Ben & Jerry’s (OK, that one may be a problem).

Nevertheless, you must fight this corporate greed. It’s a sitting duck, you might say (no offense to ducks, of course). Let’s just call it an easy target. That’s better.

Stand stand up and scream “This is NOT who we are as a species!”

Bovines have rights, too. Of course, Christians and conservatives deserve scorn, but their simpleton cousins, the lowly bovines, deserve better. Anyone else’s opinion is just bull. Those who truly care more than others must rise in righteous indignation!

NoBull Cause has even organized the first protest to help get things rolling. Please join this peaceful MOOvement (sorry again) at your nearest Chick-fil-a. Grab one of NoBull Cause’s free “Eat Mor Chikin” signs and support those three courageous cows who always stand sentinel at their entrances. We must RESIST!

Here’s your chant: “No beef, no cheese! They’re not put here just to please! No beef, no cheese! They’re not put here just to please!”

Practice that. Then, organize to defeat the demons amongst us who disrespect these innocent creatures with the big, adorable eyes.

Thank you for caring more than the heathens. And thank you in advance for your virtuous activism on behalf of such a NoBull Cause.

And don’t worry. This is just the beginning. A plan to protest Poultryism is in the works. Face it. People can be peckers, but peckers are people, too.


So join the resistance now. It will make you feel so wonderful and superior. Because, it really is all about feelings. And, as you know, nothing feels better than a good movement. It’s time to do your duty.


One thought on “Because Nothing Feels Better Than a Good Movement

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