Because Nothing Feels Better Than a Good Movement

Leftist protestors are always in need of a new reason to feel morally superior and express some righteous anger. Here’s a NoBull Cause for them, a legitimate beef, too. This is a complete plan for their next big movement.




1. Stop the hate! Haters love beef simply out of simple greed and selfishness. You see, these murderous carnivores love to eat bovines and drink their milk. While this has been a serious concern to PETA promoters and vegans for years, it can also matter to millions of caring, concerned social justice warriors in need of yet another cause. Enlist them for the final battle of the war!

2. A penchant for burgers and shakes has turned so many sub-humans into evil fascists. As caring protestors, you can call these heathens Homogenized Hitlers…Pasteurized Putins…Trump Steak Lovers…you know, something catchy and relevant.

3. That’s not all. There’s more! This organized oppression of our fellow mammals is sickeningly multi-faceted. First, they love to kill the males and eat their body parts. And, even though these animals taste really good, who are they to give them a death sentence just because they’re delicious? That is clearly au jus appropriation.


4. Remember to say: “How horrendously sexist is it to murder and EAT something just because it doesn’t have breasts?” That’s right. Females are spared the slaughterhouse. These evil people are gender jerks, too.

5. And don’t forget this: Hateful food fascists only spare the females so they can enslave them for their own selfish desires. These innocent cows are mercilessly held captive simply because of their breasts. Many breasts, actually. This is udderly (sorry) anti-female and abusive. Seriously, can’t we dunk cookies in something else if we honestly give a damn about fairness and equality?


6. Here’s the kicker: You can even blame corporate America and capitalism. Face it. It’s hard for ordinary people to fight the urge to indulge. Capitalist pigs are helping put more cattle in concentration camps. Big Dairy, Kraft and Hershey are complicit in this atrocity, along with their accomplices Big Cereal, and even Ben & Jerry’s (OK, that one may be a problem). I mean, really. Workers of the world unite!

This is a perfect way to attack capitalism. It’s a sitting duck, you might say. (No offense to ducks, of course. Everyone must love ducks.) Let’s just call it an easy target. That’s better.

HERE’S THE CLOSING ARGUMENT (for those not yet triggered by this atrocity):

It’s time to let go of your load. Stand stand up and scream: “This is NOT who we are as a species!”

Bovines have rights, too. We all know that Christians and conservatives deserve scorn, but their simpleton cousins, the lowly bovines, deserve better. Those of you who truly care more than others must rise in righteous indignation! Get angry with your love!

NoBull Cause has even organized your first protest just to help get things rolling. Please join this peaceful MOOvement (sorry again) at your nearest Chick-fil-a. Grab one of NoBull Cause’s free “Eat Mor Chikin” signs and support those three courageous cows who always stand sentinel at their entrances. We must RESIST!

Here’s your chant: “No beef, no cheese! They’re not put here just to please! No beef, no cheese! They’re not put here just to please!”

Practice that. Then, organize to defeat the demons amongst us who disrespect these innocent creatures with those big, adorable eyes.

Thank you for caring more than the heathens. And thank you in advance for your virtuous activism on behalf of such a NoBull Cause.

And don’t worry. This is just the beginning. A plan to protest Poultryism is in the works. Face it. People can be peckers, but peckers are people, too.


So join the resistance now. It will make you feel so wonderful and superior. Because, it really is all about feelings. And, as you know, nothing feels better than a good movement. It’s time to stand up, er….sit down… and do your duty.



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